Thanks for listening to me on my past blogs. I do tend to just run on and on...But thats me.

So..here I am.. I told my son that it was okay for me to be queer or gay or a fag or whatever else someone might say. I said this to him so he could hear me say the words..the labels from the striaght world. We too as gays call each other the same names, but for some reason we laugh and go on. Why would it be any different if a straight person calls us a fag? I dont think there is any difference. I need to get past the words and move on. I hope I have. BUT, if any word is used in hate, it does hurt.

My son is great about me being gay. I worried to the point of not telling him that I was gay due to the fear it would run him off. I am so glad I told him while he was young. At 10 he is just starting to figure out who he is. Now he knows there is no fear of him finding that person he might be. He can be whatever. I talk to him often about all issues now and even if he doesn't want to hear it I know he is listening. He talks about his stepdad which is my husband. I enjoy the fact that he sees me as his gay dad and that dad has a husband. He is a great kid.

I also worried about my step-daughter knowing I was gay. She had a hard time at first, but I try and blame that on my ex-wife. Who knows where the pain came from, but now her mom is out of the way of her making decisions my daughter has now come back and we talk and she even came to spend a couple of days over Christmas break. I think what hurt her most was that I didn't tell her earlier when I knew. She has also found her Dad in a different way. She always knew him as a weekend Dad and not much more. Now on her own she has made stronger bonds with him and I also see her Dad in a different light. Funny how ONE person can taint our view of someone. If you hear it long enough you believe what you are told. A sort of brainwashing I suppose.

My coming out to my folks and family was tougher. I didn't have the balls to tell them face to face. I wanted to so much but I wasn't able to get the nerve to tell them on one of my visits back home. SOOO before I got married I wrote them a letter to tell them who I was..how happy I was and that I hoped they would understand or forgive me.. IM sure they feel I let them down for not telling them face to face. My mom is the one who talks ot me. I got to visit with my sister and her family when they came out this way. I think I surprised them that I didn't change. I was still Chuck and I had not turned into something they see on TV as some sort of character. So far my Dad is the hold on on not talking to me too much, but I am sure he feels it is his fault that he didn't do enough.

While trying to find myself I figured I was bi or I was just curious. Can you be just curious? Im not for sure, but maybe you can. Im not saying there isn't a bi man or different levels of gay. As some sex experts say there is a spectrum from straight to gay and you can fall anywhere in between. I think at one time I said that couldn't be true, but now I believe there are shades of being straight and then shades of being gay. Just as I thought there was only gay or straight I also thought that all gay men were flamers like Jack on "Will and Grace". But those are the only ones I wanted to see I suppose. I did see feminie acting straight guys and wondered. Did I act or was I acting? I dont think so. I was just being me. I am sure we all try and just be who we are.

I couldnt be gay...that is what I thought. I feel like a man.. I dont want to be a woman.. or dress in womens cloths. Is that what I thought gay was? Let me see...Jody on "Soap" wanted a sex change because he was gay. Jack on "Will and Grace" acted like a woman. So I can't be gay because I dont act like these characters we see on TV. No wonder I was so confused. Then as I met gay men I found there were different types of gay men. I was shocked to meet men who were firefighters and marines and other very masculine men. These guys just have to be confused. They are too mocho to be gay. So I ask myself. What do I want? Well, I want to be who I am..a man.. I want to act like a man.. Do I want to be with a man who acts like a woman? Or do I want to be with a man who dresses as a woman? Wait.. I want to be a man and find someone who wants to be a man. WOW.. will that work in the gay world? ha haha.. NOw looking back was I ever stupid. I bought into all the labels and all the gay stereotypes.

Why can't I be a man who just happens to love another man? That is who I am. So as I said before, call me gay or fag or queer..it just doesn't matter. I found my soulmate and his name is Steve. So just as my exwife and I searched for friends we enjoyed being around Steve and I also look for others we can be friends with. Having friends is a good thing. You can't hide out all your life. I see some say they have gay or straight friends. I feel any friends are good for a healthy relationship. We need to be able to show our love for our partner to others. Just as I enjoy my son accepting who I am we want that same acceptance from friends. It sucks being the odd man out. Sometimes in the REAL WORLD gay is the odd man out. Wait, most of the time gay is the odd man out.

Now that me and my husband are living together and not hiding who we are we still run into times where we watch what we say. Most people we say ..Yes this is my partner, husband, significant other but then there are times where we dont feel so comfortable telling someone who we are. We just play it by ear and judge the situation. Im sure for everyone it is different. You may feel like you need to fly a rainbow flag.You may feel like you can't tell a soul who you are. You may find somewhere in the middle that makes you happy. My opinion is to be who you are. Enjoy who you are. Live the best you can and be kind to others and dont become something you are not. You be the judge on what roles you play or how gay you are. I feel there is no right or wrong answer.

Take care.. and be safe...

Chuck