Bubby aka Steve..

Yep, thats my guy..I call him bubby... I never knew a guy who I wanted to hold my hand or touch me on the back of the neck or touch my leg as we drove down the road. Im sure there were some there, but I would not have let them. With Steve it was just natural..it felt right.. you can't explain it.. there was no thinking..it just happened.. There are so many other things that work well for us and between us.

THEN.. there are all the other things.. like our driving styles.. the way drive bugs the hell out of Steve. He thinks I drive with my feet and here I am at 46 without accident. Also the way he drives makes me car sick to some extent.. neither of us drive like the other or would want to..  Also when we go to do something. I can have a plan but I dont draw it out. It is just in my head and I can see it there. Steve on the other hand has to map it out and do a spread sheet and do emails and send himself reminders and put up postit notes..but that is the way he works..IT DRIVES ME NUTS>. but.. me flying by the seat of my pants drives him nuts...

We also need to know that we are both where we are by our own hands.. he got here..and I got here.. we did it our selves.. so.. as a couple.. we need to see there is no right way..no wrong way.. and we have to find that way that we can both get to where we want to go and feel like we are both helping out to get there.. Some like to go along for the ride.. some like to drive all the time.. but us as a couple..we both need to feel like we have contributed.. and sometimes that is difficult.

After Steve and I got married the first time he goes out of town I broke his trust be doing something stupid.. It was online..and it was with an old friend.. and then I lied about it.. I kept breaking one trust after another... when you do dumb things it does make you feel ashamed.. I wanted to hide from myself as well as hide from Steve...but he found me.. and..in the end I told him..but he already knew.. he had found out.. sorta like..you can run, but you can't hide.. Soooo..building up that trust again has been so very hard.. I gave him passwords I was using to my phone so he could..IF HE wanted to... check up on me.. He has passwords to the internet accounts. I dont to hide anything.. I do not want to lie about anything.

In all this I worry that sometime I will do something wrong and not even know it. This past week as been sort of that. One day on the way to town I think.."wonder what "john" a friend is up to so I call and get no answer. I dont leave a message and just hang up. In this day of caller ID I get a call back later asking who this is and then OH.. where have you been why didn't you leave a message.. and after a few minutes you say goodbye and that is that...  Also on another note someone sends you instant messages that you at first think is your hubby on a new blackberry from Seattle. It ends up you are telling some stranger that you love them and they ask.."Do you know who this is?"... then you get this sick feeling as you look at where the last messages come from.. You say you sorry..and then boom the next day you get ONE more message that says.. So this isn't "Hailey" or whatever that namewas.. and you say....NO..this is..998-3392..whatever.. and you see..SORRY DUDE>. and you say.. no prob.. and think..wow that was wierd.. but all this plays into your hubby hand as he is looking to see what you are up to.. he sees phone calls and instant messages to someone and then they corrispond to travels you are having into town while he is away.. NOW I now why in a jury trial they say you should someone guilty due to circumstantial evidence... I know from first hand sometimes every day occurances seem to point to no good even though that was never the intent

Trust is such a fragile thing.. YOu need to work for it.. workhard and never give up.. you have to give trust to earn trust.. so its a two way street so to speak..

Im glad my guy came here and said something. please be kind to him and say hello.. We all need a little positive reinforcement from time to time..

I love you Steve... Hurry home to me next Tuesday..I miss you so damn much.. night all..

Chuck and Steve

Howdy...This is Steve writing to y'all for the first time…

I love my Husband. I have made some mistakes. In the past couple of days I have rediscovered that we all make mistakes. A little over a year ago we went through a very BIG bump in our relationship. It almost tore us apart. To begin with I have always had trust issues. This bump brought out all my trust issues to the forefront of our relationship. I had to re-learn to trust again.

 We are two people that are committed to each other and realize that real relationships are a lot of work. For me, trust is the foundation of a strong relationship. If that foundation is damaged…it takes time to rebuild. I am not the patient one in our relationship. I expect that feelings will all be better by the next morning. I have some more work to do in dealing with my trust issues. I know that Chuck loves me and that I am his world, as he is mine.

For the most part we have done very well in moving past the entire bump. There is a lot of joy and happiness in our lives. We are raising our 12 year old son(chuck’s from a previous marriage). We have 3 acres that we are fixing up and a horse named Rebel. We have made some good friends that live near us and our neighbors treat us just like we were a regular couple. We have made some friends on this site. Actually it’s Chuck that is the outgoing one and creates most of the friendships with folks on-line. Im more introverted on things like that.

As I was driving back to my hotel tonight…I remembered how in my early 20’s and even into my mid-30’s (I am 38 now)…I used to want something so simple and never seemed to get it…I wanted my partner to hold my hand or put their hand on my leg, or let me put my hand on their leg while we are driving down the road. Most gay men did not want to do this for fear someone driving in a taller vehicle might drive alongside and see what we were doing…In my early 20’s to mid-30’s I only had one long term relationship (it was almost 5 years). I tended to have nothing but short-term relationships as I never got my needs met…My needs are so so simple.

But the very first time I met Chuck he let me put my hand on the back of his neck while we were driving home from the airport when he picked me up and met me for the very first time... That whole first weekend and all the way up 'til today…he is comfortable putting his hand on my leg and is comfortable with me even nudging into him and laying my head on his shoulder while he is driving. That first time we met, I didn’t even have to ask..it just happened. It was natural.

 If you have read Chuck’s blogs you can read how much of his heart is put into everything he writes. Im not very good at writing and getting my point across, so I have never really done a blog before. I hope this helps someone who may be in a committed relationship and may struggle with trust issues as well…

 Steve aka Bubby

I have blogged before many times about my family and coming out to them. So here I am sitting down again just putting things to print so I can try and sort things out. I really miss my faimly. Since we moved to Arizona in 06 my son and I have been back once and that was Christmas of 06. Since then my son has made trips back for visits, but I use the excuse of my job not letting me have time off. Part of this is true. In February we went to SE Asia so there was no other time off to do any travels to Missouri, but I am sure I could have worked something out. I talk to my Mom almost every week and every time she tells me how much she loves me. I have talked to my Dad maybe twice or three times but that is about it. My sister and her family came out to the grand canyon for a family vacation and we got to see her and her family for a little while but it seemed rushed.

For me family is a big thing and I really miss them. Steve's family lives near Palm Desert and over Memorial day weekend we went out that way for a visit and it was so good just to be around family. They accept us as well as any family can. There are always one or two who seem to look at you and you can read in their faces what they really think, but at least they don't say it. There have also been those friends from back in Missouri who have come this way for a trip and they holler to say hey.. we are coming out that way "lets get together" so I say okay and that me and my partner Steve will be happy to see you. None of my friends back in Missouri know I am gay but as they make the trip out, they find out I am. I will not hide from them who I am. I have not had anyone change their mind after hearing the news.

Over the 4th of July which is my birthday I said we might come back to Missouri to sell some of my stuff and clean up around my old place and after talking about it for a week or two my mom tells me on the phone that she wrote me a letter.. OH MY.. a letter.. So..when I get it.. there it is in print..We would love to see you but you must know, when you come to our home you will not share a bed with YOUR FRIEND. You will not go around introducing this friend to others as your partner. If you think you will tell others you are a couple, you must know that we have not told anyone and we expect you to honor our wishes and do the same. We are very religious and we are old and our little community will not understand your choice of life style.

Well now doesn't that make you feel all warm and loved??? I know they love me, and I know telling them I was gay when I was 44 was not the best choice, but hell I didnt' know until I was 35. It just makes me sad...I wish I could change things and make everyone happy. But I just have to know that now I am happy. I would send them train tickets to come out for a visit, but I am almost certain they would not come. I just wish I had my family back...okay..thanks for listening... you all take care.. Chuck and Steve