Dear Angelo,
Do you believe in making New Year's Resolutions or accepting yourself as you are?
Signed, Maintaining The Status Quo
Dear Maintaining The Status Quo,
Cultivating a sense of self-love and high self-esteem are paramount for gay men emergent from an oppressive heterosexist world. While I of course encourage gay men to accept themselves above all else, self-sabotaging or self-destructive behavior are not in alignment with self-acceptance, self-care, and personal growth. So I support personal change toward those endeavors any time of year.
But New Year's is probably the most popular time we celebrate change. Each year about 1/3 of Americans will make a New Year’s resolution. But try whatever we might, most of us go back to or old ways by Valentine's Day. It’s really hard to change our behavior. "Bad” habits like overeating, overshopping, oversexing, smoking, drinking excessively, drugs, underexercising, and the like comfort us. We pleasure ourselves with the “bad” stuff. Via our problem behaviors, we're actually trying to self-soothe ourselves by self-medicating inner pain. We're seeking to unwind and feel good. It's an act of attempted self-love. No one I know really wants to decrease the pleasures in their life.
The problem is that our poor choices can end up hurting us, therefore being self-destructive. Many of us will die from health related illnesses due to our poor habits to control stress. So why isn’t that enough to stop us? Since we do “bad” things to ourselves to relieve uncomfortable feelings, we're looking for an immediate fix. Under such emotional duress, living longer can seem so far away that it doesn't take priority in the here and now. If whatever we're doing to cope is physically addictive, then we can feel compelled to do it even more.
Almost anything can be used in a self-destructive way if we're out of balance with it. Work, exercise, tanning, TV, internet, caffeinated drinks, supplements, and other things we don’t usually associate with being “bad.” The point is, that anything can be addictive if we are using it more than is necessary to cope, if it's out of our control, and causing us trouble. And stopping is hard. How do you know if you're addicted? Take this simple test. Try stopping and see what happens.
You probably know what you need to change. However, here is my top ten tips list for New Year's resolutions just in case you might need some ideas.
1) Give Up A Bad Habit: smoking, binge drinking, drugging, overeating, sexual compulsivity, etc.
2) Begin A Good Habit: dieting, exercising, meditating, yoga, volunteering, etc.
3) End A Bad Relationship: get out of unhealthy relationships.
4) Renew A Broken Relationship: forgiveness, solutions, moving forward together.
5) Start New Healthy Relationships: meet more friends, date, join a new supportive community that interests you.
6) Be Better With Money: budget, spend less frivolously, don't overspend.
7) Do What You’ve Been Putting Off: talk about IT, finish that project, join that group, take that trip, apply for a new job, etc.
8) Make That Life Change: move, get a pet, open your relationship, commit to him, become a parent, etc.
9) Start To Put Yourself First: it is not selfish, but practicing self-care to include YOU in the equation.
10) Stick To It: Behavioral change is hard, but worth striving for to be the best person you can be. Get support from loved ones, a twelve step program - even professional help.
Quote: "It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power." - Alan Cohen
For more visit www.askangelo.com.
All The Best, Angelo.
