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the gay man's therapist
ask
angelo
angelo
pezzote
MA, NCC, LMHC
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Order
Angelo's new book,
Straight Acting — Gay Men, Masculinity, and Finding True Love >
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Love A Grinch?
Dear Angelo,
How come someone you
love, like a family member or partner, thinks they have the right
to mistreat you?
Signed,
Distraught For The Holidays
Dear
Distraught For The Holidays,
This is an extremely complex issue, but I
think the simplest and most helpful explaination I can provide to you
here, is that they're simply doing the best they can. If they knew any
better, they wouldn't be mistreating you.
I think only people who are hurting hurt
other people. While it's very tempting to label them as mean-spirited,
mentally ill or even evil, I think the higher road is to say that their
bad behavior is a lack, or ignorance of love, rather than the presence of
evil.
This may sound like I'm letting
them off the hook rather easily. Let me be clear - I don't condone hurtful
behavior. But I think a non-demonizing explaination leaves room for the
mixed feelings we have for the people we love that hurt us. We can both
love them and hate them at the same time. We can both need them and push
them away. We can be both happy around them and be painfully hurt. This
kind of emotional complexity is what makes it so hard. If the person was
totally awful all the time, we would disconnect. If they were always great
all of the time, then there wouldn't be a problem. It's not so easy when
it's some of both. We're hard
wired to bond to
our loved ones. But when the same people that nurture us
hurt us, it confuses us about love. We come to think that love also feels
bad and
we get stuck.
My advice to you is to create a support
network of affirming loving people in your life that you feel good being
around. Stop looking to get love from those who can't give it to you
properly - until they find their heart. Of course this realization hurts
deeply. The grief from the loss of the kind of love you long for and
deserve from that person is profound. But you wouldn't go to the bakery to
buy roses. You'd go to the florist. You don't have to cut someone out of
your life, that's your choice, just be sure your pointed in the right
direction to get what you need.
All The Best, Angelo.
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He Said He'd Call
Dear Angelo,
I met this hot guy one
evening out of the blue and we ended up spending the next 12 hours
together. It was intense. We chilled, he shared a lot of intimate details
about himself with me and we had great sex - twice. We really bonded. He
said he'd call me the next day and he didn't. So I called him. He said he
forgot to call but that he wanted to see me again and that he'd be giving
me a call to do something over the weekend. He didn't call until Sunday
night shortly before midnight. He left a message (I was sleeping) saying
he got really busy and just got a moment. Why do guys act this way?
Signed, Another One Bites The Dust
Dear
Another One Bites The Dust,
I'm sorry you met a schmuck. I know how
disappointing this can be in your search for love. But the "whys" really
don't matter here. (You can find all the "whys" as in
why's-it-so-hard-to-meet-a-man in the archives at
www.askangelo.com).
Truth is you're fabulous. You deserve a guy
that calls the next day like he says he will. And after giving him the
beneft of the doubt when he didn't call the first time, because you're so
kind hearted, you deserve a man that will call you when he says he will to
make weekend plans (preferably by Thursday). Better yet, you deserve a
magic man who will follow through and take you out for a great night over
the weekend to make up for his first mistake.
My dear sweet man, move on from this one.
Don't make any excuses for this loser. He didn't make you a priority so
don't make him one. Listen to his actions not his words. If someone is
important to us we don't forget them - ever. They're on our minds. And in
today's day and age there is absolutely no reason not to call, text,
voicemail, page or even snail mail a message to cancel well ahead of time.
It shows respect for someone you value. Even at the last minute, it
doesn't take 10 seconds to say "Hey guy I'm sorry, I can't make it after
all this weekend, but I want to see you again, how's Monday at 6?" Is
anyone too busy for that? Don't you deserve 10 seconds of consideration?
Be thankful he quickly showed you up front
that he's not right for you and go out and find someone else who is.
All The Best, Angelo.
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Coming March 2008, Angelo Pezzote's new book:
Straight Acting - Gay Men, Masculinity and Finding True Love
Angelo Pezzote, M.A., N.C.C., L.M.H.C.
Do you have a question for Angelo to address in his column?
Email ask@askangelo.com
Would you appreciate a safe, supportive environment to talk about personal concerns? Get useful tools from a specialist who understands. Podcasts, Tele-seminars, Advice On Demand, Workshops, Groups and Private Practice Available. Manhattan, NY Office Tel: (917) 673-5003.
© Angelo Pezzote, M.A., N.C.C., L.M.H.C., All Rights Reserved.
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