Dear Angelo,

I get so depressed and self-conscious around this time of year. I don't know what to do. I feel like I will never have anybody to love who loves me back. I need a guy to show my love for

Signed, Alone For The Holidays

Dear Alone For The Holidays,

The Holidays can bring warm images to mind like Norman Rockwell. But as a client of mine put it, the reality for many is more like Norman Bates.

Perhaps no one knows better the pain of planning your whole weekend around a trip to the food mart, spending a holiday alone, or being so starved for touch that an accidental brush from a stranger gives you a hard on. Perhaps no one knows more the feeling day after day of not getting any messages from that special one, no table for two, and not having anyone to talk to besides your hair dresser. Perhaps no one knows better the pain of thinking you don’t measure up and everyone else seems to be flawless. Perhaps you’re tired of gazing outside a Starbucks window at all the fabulousness passing by, thinking that everyone seems to have some happy magic in their lives that you don’t. Perhaps you’re even tired of trying anymore.

We all want to be loved. It’s fine and beautiful that you desire relationship. But please don’t let not having a love overshadow your life. Getting down won’t attract more love to you. A depressed mood actually keeps more people away. Change your state of mind. Ask not, "Do you love me?" But rather, "Do I love me?" Stop trying to get love from someone else. Instead try giving love. Create love by being loving. Why stay sad, angry, and miserable because you're alone? You suffer most. While you're waiting for Mr. Right, live your life with the same zest and fulfillment as if you already had that true love.You deserve to be happy while you wait. Focus on the good that's present in your life and the world, rather than on what's absent.

I know this is much easier said than done, especially around the holidays. But it's a worthwhile endeavor to practice aspiring to. Having a full life, an air of confidence, a spirit of contentment, and an open heart is exactly what will attract love to you, including that special one. Loneliness is a state of mind. There are people surrounded by others or in a relationship who are lonely, and there are people who are alone and aren't lonely at all. The idea of separateness is a false notion. We are all connected. Instead of being jaded, cynical, or bitter, try plugging yourself in to that sustaining vibration of something greater.

Dear Angelo,

My partner loves Christmas shopping. And while I love my partner, I hate shopping. How can I get out of it this year without starting World War III?

Signed, Shopping Dilemma

Dear Shopping Dilemma,

We live in a world where no two people are alike. As part of our ongoing commitment to our relationship, there are times that require compromise for our loved one.

I say go and take your attention off the drudgery of shopping. Instead, focus on being in the magic of the holiday spirit that only comes once a year, and spending time with the person you love doing something that makes them happy.

There may be a time in the future when your partner doesn't want to accompany you somewhere. Then you can gently remind him of your holiday sacrifice. It's not tit for tat. It's being flexible in the give and take of relationship. Strong winds uproot stiff trees. It's trees that can bend, like palm trees, that survive stormy winds best.

Coming March 2008, Angelo Pezzote's new book:

Straight Acting - Gay Men, Masculinity and Finding True Love

Email ask@askangelo.com