Dear Angelo,

It's the holidays again and I always dread having to go to my in-laws. Do you have any suggestions to have a pleasant time?

Signed, The In-Laws

Dear The In-Laws,

A Chinese proverb said "We count our miseries carefully, and accept our blessings without much thought." In the season of Thanksgiving, take the time to stop and give thanks for all that's good in your life. Yes, it can be stressful to spend time with family, including in laws, especially for us gay folks. We can regress into old childhood patterns of behaving. And there's always that one relative who makes us crazy. I call the holidays the "holidaze." But resist trying to change things at these family therapy sessions - I mean holiday gatherings. Instead, try to accept people as they are, enjoying them as best you can. Be authentically yourself too - a gay man. It's fine to set limits by leaving when you're ready. It's also fine to set boundaries against any homophobia that may be thrown at you and your partner. But whenever you can, count your blessings. Appreciate the people in your life. Tell them you love them. To me, being with those you love is the point of the holidays. Someday, they may not be around. I'm not trying to guilt you, but rather inspiring you to make lemonade out of lemons.

I'm not sure where we're going in this country in terms of "family values." Not only do we battle hateful homophobia at every moment, but in spite of "advanced" technology like voicemail, texting, and email, we seem to be getting more disconnected. We are losing precious face to face time. I saw an add for Thanksgiving dinner in less than 60 minutes. I mean, why rush it? Perhaps it's not profitable to take it slow as time is money. More and more stores are open on Thanksgiving, and the day after is a huge shopping day. But what are our priorities?

I was in Mexico recently and saw many families packed on the beach. It was on an ordinary Sunday afternoon there, "family day." A fair share of young children were freely running around nude, happily playing. Salsa was blaring and picnics ensued that included some authentic Corona and homemade tequila. I was struck by this gathering scene and it stopped me in my tracks. I was reminded that in this country we might consider such "revelry" a lazy waste of time. Perhaps some would have sent social services to investigate possible child abuse by neglectful alcoholic parents. But there was something natural and beautiful about it all that didn't qualify as any of those bad things in my mind. In fact, it seemed wonderful. Most of all, I noticed that everyone had a smile. The Mexicans didn't seem angry and depressed. I thought, indeed, more together time, i.e., community, is what Americans are missing.

Dear Angelo,

Me and my long term partner no longer have sex. I know lots of other gay couples in the same situation. Do you know why this happens?

Signed, Gay Dead Bed

Dear Gay Dead Bed,

Based on my experience treating gay couples and perpetual singles, my take is that some gay men can get emotionally close to other gay men – but only up to a point. That point is the emotional threshold where three intimacy "walls" merge into one big "wall" for each man: one's life story or personal fears of emotional intimacy, internalized homophobia (gay shame), and masculinity pressures (being a “real man”). At this point, the men seemingly hit a wall that can stand indefinitely without proper intervention. Rather than cross the line and move more toward each other emotionally (which is the solution), the men may strongly assert their masculinity, moving apart instead.

They may accentuate their masculine traits to counterbalance or compensate for their intimacy fears and buried shame of being unmanly, inadequate, too gay, feminine, or weak for being with another man. As part of “the man thing,” the two men can battle for power and struggle for control. Competition, criticism, arguing, contempt, divisiveness, and emotional distance can emerge between them. This may lead to gay dead bed (when the couple stops having sex), cheating, an open relationship, an end in the relationship altogether, or not having relationships at all. So it’s not uncommon for gay men, even in a couple, to act out because of the gay shame monster, playing the shame game of internalized homophobia which divides them.

Coupled or single, closeted or out, the problem isolation and loneliness persists until we're ready to deal with the learned shame in our hearts, love ourselves and our brothers just as we are, realize that loving men doesn't mean we're feminine or weak, and live our lives on our own terms. You can learn more about this and how to solve it in my new book Straight Acting - Gay Men, Masculinity, And Finding True Love, releasing Feb / March 2008 and at www.askangelo.com - the 1st place to come for gay advice.

Coming March 2008, Angelo Pezzote's new book:

Straight Acting - Gay Men, Masculinity and Finding True Love

Email ask@askangelo.com