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the gay man's therapist
ask
angelo
angelo
pezzote
MA, NCC, LMHC
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Order
Angelo's new book,
Straight Acting — Gay Men, Masculinity, and Finding True Love >
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Keeping Gay Discreet
Dear Angelo,
I am a New Yorker who wants to explore my gayness by experimenting
with other men. I want a safe and discreet way to explore my sexuality.
Discreet is key. What do
you suggest?
Signed, Closet Explorer
Dear
Closet Explorer,
I can appreciate your need to be discreet and
I think it's smart to play safe. I recognize that coming out is a life
long process and that exploration at your own pace is an important part of
that process. I trust that you'll be able to identify the best way to do
this for yourself.
Having said that, I would like to see you put
the focus more on feeling comfortable with your same sex feelings than on
sexual experimentation. Being gay is about more than sex. It's an
orientation that's physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual, political
and so on. Discovering that you enjoy sex
with men is not sufficient in and of itself to call yourself gay. There's
much more to it than that, and I wouldn't want to see you rob yourself of
that broader experience by overlooking it.
Often, it's buying into the gay stigma that
something is wrong with being gay - that keeps us closeted, discreet
and on a narrow path of secretive gay sex. While coming out is a gradual
process of self-acceptance over time, and deciding how far to come out is
a highly personal choice, I work to free us all from the horrible ongoing
fear, humiliation and shame of being gay. So I can't support keeping
gay discrete, because I think that would support the idea that there's
something wrong about what you're doing. Instead, I want to give you this
message - love and honor yourself for exactly what you feel and what you
are. There's no reason to keep any part of your magnificent self hidden.
All The Best, Angelo.
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Can't Get A Date
Dear Angelo,
Why is it that
everyone tells me I'm a great looking guy, yet I can't get a date?
I'm a really good, decent and fun person too. Sure, I have my
faults, but this is getting me down!
Signed, Can't Get A Date
Dear
Can't Get A Date,
You are not alone. I receive a lot of letters
from gay men just like this one. There are many obstacles that make it
challenging for gay men to establish intimate romantic relationships. But
don't lose hope. I know that it's absolutely possible to find gay love.
You will not be left out of love.
But why is it so hard? First, gay men are
socialized as men. Men are taught not to feel. As a result, many men - gay
or straight - can have difficulty establishing emotional intimacy,
especially with other men. Second, being in gay relationship means being
out more visibly. We have to feel safe enough to be out in an anti-gay
culture that makes it hard to express gay love openly. We're certainly
free to declare we're gay, but can we really kiss in public without being
harassed? We certainly don't get affirming messages about gay relationship
from society - just take the gay marriage debate. Third, many of us absorb
the toxic lies we see, hear and learn all of our lives, that being gay is
bad. Consequently, we can harbor a deeply hidden shame about being gay,
that can make it hard to be comfortable in our own skin.
Look at all the recent scandals - ex governor
Jim McGreevey, ex congressman Mark Foley and ex Evangelist Ted
Haggard. While these are extreme examples, they show how being in
relationship with another man brings up uncomfortable feelings of shame
inside of us. This is true for many of us even if we're out. It's more of
an emotional shame than an intellectual one. Such feelings of inferiority
touch upon a wounded part of us that can be painful to confront. The list
of why it's so hard for men to meet men for something more goes on and on.
Until my book on this topic is released, feel free to visit
www.AskAngelo.com for
more. Gay men do indeed have many barriers in making relationship with one
another.
In spite of this external truth, you have to
check in with your inner truth too. Turn within and ask yourself if you're
really in the right space for a relationship. I know there's been times in
my life when I haven't gotten a single date in a year. And there have been
other times when I had several dates in a week. The difference was what
was happening in me and not in anything outside of me. We
communicate so much information non-verbally. Human beings are very
perceptive creatures. We can pick up on each other's emotional
availability quite easily - without sharing a word. So make
sure you're doing your inner work too.
In short, strike a balance between
confidently putting yourself out there and in doing your work on the
inner. This is a winning combo that's sure to bring you more love.
All The Best, Angelo.
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Coming March 2008, Angelo Pezzote's new book:
Straight Acting - Gay Men, Masculinity and Finding True Love
Angelo Pezzote, M.A., N.C.C., L.M.H.C.
Do you have a question for Angelo to address in his column?
Email ask@askangelo.com
Would you appreciate a safe, supportive environment to talk about personal concerns? Get useful tools from a specialist who understands. Podcasts, Tele-seminars, Advice On Demand, Workshops, Groups and Private Practice Available. Manhattan, NY Office Tel: (917) 673-5003.
© Angelo Pezzote, M.A., N.C.C., L.M.H.C., All Rights Reserved.
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