Dear Angelo,

I've just about given up on love. There's so much "attitude" among gay men in New York City. Do you think I have to move out of New York City to find someone? I'm not getting any younger.

Signed, Where Is My Love Life?

Dear Where Is My Love Life?,

I bet there are men who feel just like you who live everywhere - in both big cities and small towns. I think love can find you no matter where you live. While gay men can treat each other like Mean Girls, which can make things more challenging, I don't think it depends on the external environment as much as it depends on what's happening inside of you. Having lived in many different places, there have been times in my life when I didn't have a single date in three months, and other times when I've had three dates in a week. Something in me shifted, not the place.

While there is perhaps more closedness and guardedness in our cities, which can create more obstacles to meeting people, you can remain open and vulnerable each day to the spirit of love. You can also choose to continue putting yourself out there to meet more men. No one is going to knock at your door and find you. You have to keep trying, not give up. Your match could be right around the corner. You could meet Mr. Right at any moment. Yes, risking opening up and being hurt is scary, but love and pain through rejection, developmental transitions or an end to the relationship, tragedy, and such, are different sides of the same coin. Love and loss are interwoven and embedded in one another. We can't experience one without the other. We can't let cynicism and fear stop us from seeking love.

While there is some truth to different places having different friendliness factors among the people who live there, perhaps try giving it your best shot - right where you are - before you decide to move.

Dear Angelo,

I seem to be numb a lot of the time. I mean I don't feel anything. Can you sugggest some things to help me feel?

Signed, Uncomfortably Numb

Dear Uncomfortably Numb,

A big part of being a "real man" in America is not being emotional or weak. Thus, boys are not socialized to emote in our culture. So as grown men, feelings may not be our strong point. It's not that men don't have feelings. It's just that some men can have trouble identifying and expressing their feelings. Mental health professionals call this condition alexithymia. From Greek, it literally means "without words for emotions."

You can start to label your own emotions by placing what you're feeling into one of four major feeling groups: glad, mad, sad, and anxious. Next, if you're not glad, trace what's causing you to feel mad, sad, or anxious to one or more of the following five feeling groups: accused, guilty, rejected, unlovable, and powerless. For instance, I might recognize that I feel anxious working with a client if they are highly critical of me and I feel accused, rejected, and powerless. A tool I often use in session is to have the client find themselves on a children's feeling chart, like one with a variety of emotional faces. This can also help a person associate a name with what they're feeling. You can easily pick up a children's "What Am I Feeling?" chart or a kid's book on feelings.

Everyone has feelings! You don't have to be taught to have feelings. But you might need some help removing blocks that inhibit you from feeling your feelings. Such blocks include fear of falling apart, not wanting to feel emotional pain, and certain ingrained masculine traits like stoicism. However, stifled emotion can contribute to mental and physical stress and disease. It's healthy to express yourself. It's human to feel, not unmanly.

Coming March 2008, Angelo Pezzote's new book:

Straight Acting - Gay Men, Masculinity and Finding True Love

Email ask@askangelo.com