Dear Angelo,

I've been trying to think more positively. But the negative thoughts just don't stop. It seems like a futile endeavor. What do you suggest?

Signed, Debbie Downer

Dear Debbie Downer,

It's a tenet of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy that you can change how you feel, and thus your experience, if you change how you think. One's ability to feel contented has less to do with our external circumstances than it does with what we do with them. Our thoughts have the power to create our reality by shaping our experience. John Milton said, your mind can make a heaven out of hell, or a hell out of heaven.

The best way to beat negative thinking is, first, to identify automatic voices or negative thoughts. We all have old tapes that play 24/7 in our heads. Watch your thinking. Isolate negative thought patterns by observing them and then writing them down on paper, or in your computer. Then, contradict each of those "bad" thoughts by writing five "good" or positive thoughts that dispute it. We actually have to fight our negative thoughts every day to cultivate more happiness. The winning strategy is a one-two punch ― catch negative thoughts and contradict them. A very useful resource to clear up distorted thinking is the book Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by Dr. David Burns.

Both negative and positive thinking have real consequences. There is scientific evidence that thought influences matter or reality. What you believe comes true. Quantum physics has found that the universe has a sort of backdrop. Physicists call this underlying "fabric" of the universe the Planck scale. This fundamental fabric is a field of endless potentiality.

The Law of Attraction is based on the concept that our thoughts are actually frequencies, or vibrating units of energy, that interact with and influence that field of potential. Since like attracts like, you can manifest what you want by thinking on its frequency, or sending out the right thought vibration to bring what you want to you. The universe can only match your thought vibration or energetic frequency, sending back to you from the field what you put out to it ― like a boomerang. If you're tuned in to AM radio, you can only receive the frequency of AM radio waves, not something better like an MP4 file. You're the universe's most powerful antenna tower, transmitting and receiving information. You may want to check out the book The Secret by Rhonda Byrne or rent the movie What The Bleep Do We know!?

Dear Angelo,

I saw a friend of mine's boyfriend with someone else. Should I tell him?

Signed, I spy

Dear I spy,

It may depend on how close you are to your friend. If you're close, then tell him, but if not, then it might be none of your business. But then again, isn't it?

It's not always easy to tell where the line is. When should we but in and when shouldn't we? When are we interfering with someone's autonomy? Where's the boundary between influencing someone's independence and making a necessary intervention? Are we being controlling, or are we being helpful?

Maybe we know of a relationship with intimate partner violence, or that's abusive in some other way, yet we mind our own business. Perhaps we know an alcoholic or drug addict, but we don't mention "the problem." How often do we not talk about what we're really thinking or feeling, or "the elephant in the room."

Sometimes we may have to turn a blind eye, or walk away after we've said our peace. In an existential sense, in spite of the terrific advice of caring family, friends, or mental health professionals, we all must confront and rescue ourselves. No one else can do that for us. But there's also an interesting psychological phenomenon called the "bystander effect" that plays a role in how motivated we are to help someone or not. Research shows that when there is an emergency, the more bystanders there are, the less likely it is that any of them will actually help. People assume someone else will do it. There's also pluralistic ignorance. This is where people assume nothing is wrong because nobody else seems concerned. What ever happened to the good samaritan or simply looking out for one another, especially our friends? Perhaps in such a litigious culture, we've succumbed more to individualism and fear, and lost some of our humanity.

Maybe, like sexy, it would do us some good to sing about bringing some loving-kindness back.

Coming March 2008, Angelo Pezzote's new book:

Straight Acting - Gay Men, Masculinity and Finding True Love

Email ask@askangelo.com