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the gay man's therapist
ask
angelo
angelo
pezzote
MA, NCC, LMHC
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Angelo's new book,
Straight Acting — Gay Men, Masculinity, and Finding True Love >
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Getting Out Of A
Relationship
That Drives You Nuts
Dear Angelo,
My partner and I have been together for 4
yrs. Lately things about him are getting me down. Whenever we leave the
house together he starts complaining about other drivers, the state of the
roads, the health
care
system, the government, his employees and the list goes on and on. All he
does is complain. This isn't something new. When I have tried to talk to
him about it he says "your trying to change me" or "you should love me
for the way I am." He yells at others for doing stuff he does. If they
say something to him he gets upset and yells back at them saying "never
mind what I do, just do do what I say." I hate bringing friends home
because he starts lecturing them about how to live their life. I
get lectures about all kinds of things too. If I try to disprove his
theory, then I am the bad guy. He says I don't believe him or that I don't
trust him. What should I do? I have suggested counseling, but he says if
we need that then we don't belong together." Angelo, please help.
Signed, Frozen
Dear
Frozen,
I'm sorry you're in an uncomfortable no win
situation with a person who is unwilling to change
Lately I've
gotten a lot of questions with a similar theme to this one. Letters
that say - I can't live with or without him, even though it's not working
and I'm at my wits end. People tell me that they have a lot invested in
their relationship - feelings, material things and time - they aren't sure
about when to throw in the towel. Sex may be dead between them. Maybe he's
their rock. Perhaps he's all they've got. Maybe their relationship, even
though it's bad, is safely familiar and comfortable. Some take stalkers
back even though they want out.
It's a cliché that change is
the only thing we can count on in life.
But it's true. It's time to make change and end a relationship when the
balance between the joy and misery it gives has tipped toward the misery
side most of the time, for a prolonged period of time, and when there
doesn't seem to be a solution in sight. I find that what keeps people from
embracing this type of change is fear. Fear that they won't get love again.
I tell them that sometimes you have to decide
to let go of something. This is hard because often that something has
parts of it you like - even if overall you don't like it. But the prize is
that by letting go of what you have now and inviting change, you leave
yourself open to letting something in for the future that's far better
than what you presently have .
All The Best, Angelo.
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Curious Wrestler
Dear Angelo,
I am married man that
loves his wife whole heartedly. But I have a friend who is gay and he has
introduced me to world of wrestling. I find this very erotic and I find
myself aroused while wrestling. I was thinking does this mean that I am
bisexual? Angelo, help!
Signed, Curious In
California
Dear
Curious In California,
Don't freak out. It's natural for many of us
to have a gay tendency to some degree. Last week Alister Doyle, as
reported by Reuters, wrote that the project leader of an exhibition
documenting homosexual behavior among animals at the Oslo Natural History
Museum, states that "homosexuality has been observed for more than 1,500
animal species and is well documented for 500 of them." Based on these
findings, the museum concludes that "human homosexuality cannot be viewed
as 'unnatural' " or a "crime against nature" since it is found across the
animal kingdom. Freud has also said humans were bisexual. Alfred Kinsey
also concluded from his research on human sexuality that few people are
either all straight or all gay. He said most people exist at some point in
between. And we know that homosexuality has been found in all cultures
across time. These things don't mean that everyone's gay or bisexual, but
they do suggest that everyone isn't as polarized or fixed in their sexual
orientation as we like to think
If it were more socially acceptable to be
with the same sex, then we would see more men openly exploring the full
range of their sexuality. It's the gay stigma that prevents people,
especially men, from doing so openly. Instead, we have only about 5-10% of
people openly identifying as gay. Studies have shown that many more people
have same sex thoughts, fantasies or experiences - they just don't admit
it.
I don't know if your experience means you're bisexual, but
it means you're a human being, with a normal sexual capacity, that we
and many other animals share.
All The Best, Angelo.
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Coming March 2008, Angelo Pezzote's new book:
Straight Acting - Gay Men, Masculinity and Finding True Love
Angelo Pezzote, M.A., N.C.C., L.M.H.C.
Do you have a question for Angelo to address in his column?
Email ask@askangelo.com
Would you appreciate a safe, supportive environment to talk about personal concerns? Get useful tools from a specialist who understands. Podcasts, Tele-seminars, Advice On Demand, Workshops, Groups and Private Practice Available. Manhattan, NY Office Tel: (917) 673-5003.
© Angelo Pezzote, M.A., N.C.C., L.M.H.C., All Rights Reserved.
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