Dear Angelo,

I am a straight guy who has a POZ gay friend who I know has unprotected sex with others, and he does not tell them he is positive.  Every now and then I'll meet his guys, and can't help but think my friend is potentially infecting them.  The dilemma is obvious: how does a friend of someone living with HIV go about discussing this very serious issue with him, and not offending him or crossing that line?  Since I am not a part of the gay community, and he is my only gay friend, I don't have access to what others have done in similar situations.  Typical HIV counseling materials I've come across don't really get into it either.  We all know this is a delicate area, but I am convinced that I have an ethical obligation to not only him, but to the HIV-negative gay community, to bring this matter up. Otherwise, I feel I am an accomplice to murder.  Angelo, I appreciate your thoughts on this matter?

Signed, A Friend Who Cares

Dear A Friend Who Cares,

It's nice to have a straight ally and a friend who cares.  From what I know, the important thing here for legal issues is intention.  If your friend intends to infect people, then he can be held legally liable for attempted murder and anyone knowing could be an accomplice I imagine.  But my area of expertise is not law.  Yet the response in an intentional circumstance seems to be clear enough - contact a lawyer, the police and inform those in danger.  So what if he doesn't intend harm?

As far as morality goes, I think your friend has a moral duty to inform his sex partners in any case of his serostatus, and that he should immediately stop his behavior of not doing so.  But  this is his responsibility.  Neither you or I can make him do this.  At best, you may wish to share this answer with him, talk seriously with him about how you feel about his behavior, and maybe try to educate him, recommend counseling and change his mind about what he's doing.  However, the "act with integrity, respect others and do no harm" stance I take on this is controversial.

Others think that everyone is equally responsible to protect themselves.  This school believes that if the POZ partner does not use a condom, and the other partner doesn't protest, then they are equally responsible if there's a transmission. They believe that the POZ person doesn't have a duty to inform any more than the other person has to use a condom.  So some POZ men may act in accordance with this philosophy, protect their privacy, and ride bareback if they prefer it - believing that everyone is an adult who can respect and make decisions for themselves.

This issue is like abortion or capital punishment.  It's a heated moral / legal  issue where not everyone agrees.   As a friend, you have to do what leaves you feeling best about yourself in the end.

All The Best, Angelo.