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Should I Tell Him I Sleep Around?

Dear Angelo,

I really care about my boyfriend who I feel a very special bond with, but I have sex out of the relationship often. All of my friends think I am bad and say I should break up with him. I don't want to. Who is more realistic - me or my sanctimonious friends?

Signed, Conflicted Hook Up Kinda Guy

Dear Conflicted Hook Up Kinda Guy,

The key here is whether or not you and your boyfriend have an agreement or an implied understanding to be faithful to each other. If you have, then recognize that your behavior is dishonest, disrespectful and will likely be hurtful to your boyfriend. Betrayal of trust can be devastating and have long lasting negative effects on a person. Use your caring for him to be honest. Don't be afraid to tell him the truth.

If you haven't discussed the issue of monogamy yet, I suggest you start telling him that you are a conflicted hook up kind of guy, so he knows where he stands with you. Then he can choose to be with you if this works for him.

If you don't communicate with him about this, then maybe your friends are right. While I don't think you are bad, you're behavior may be. It can be considered selfish behavior if you're only meeting your needs while overlooking his. Love is a behavior that honors and considers both your needs and someone else's needs at the same time.

All The Best, Angelo.

Liking The Straight Type

Dear Angelo,

I have never been in a real relationship with anyone. Mostly because I have been devastatingly trapped in the closet for so long. No one that I am attracted to seems to be attracted to me. The clincher is that I seem to only be attracted to straight men. You could put 100 guys in a room and one straight guy and I will find the straight guy and end up liking him. What is that? The long-term depression has got me contemplating on giving up on life, not suicide but just giving up mentally and emotionally. I'm tired of trying.

Signed, Straight Loving Gay

Dear Straight Loving Gay,

An attraction only to straight men can be a creative way that you have to keep yourself from being hurt in relationship. While pining over someone you can't have is painful, you know he's straight. Therefore you also know that nothing romantic will happen. So it's safe to put all of your feelings and energy toward him because it's just fantasy. It's actually brilliant. You can meet your need to love, but you don't have to be vulnerable and he can't burn you.

If a gay man were emotionally available to you, it might be too frightening for you to experience this level of vulnerability and intimacy. Perhaps you're not comfortable in your own skin being gay and liking straight men is a way to push you're gayness away. A gay relationship based on mutual love and respect forces a man to deal with his gayness, and being part of a male couple makes it easier for others to identify us as gay. Being in a gay relationship means we have to come out more.

So while many gay men may prefer masculine men because they think it's attracting, liking only straight men can be a manifestation of internalized homophobia. It's a way to deal with the shame of being gay.

Don't give up. Forget about getting a man for now. Turn your attention to you. Concentrate on being comfortable with your own sexuality. Then the right men will come. Be sure to get a copy of your free report, How To Meet More Men at www.askangelo.com.

All The Best, Angelo.

Coming March 2008, Angelo Pezzote's new book:

Straight Acting - Gay Men, Masculinity and Finding True Love

Angelo Pezzote, M.A., N.C.C., L.M.H.C.

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