Dear Angelo,

I've recently met someone that I really like and the feeling's mutual with him. I'd like this to continue, but I have a bad track record. It's a steady string of 3-4 month relationships that just sort of fall apart for various reasons (they're too busy for anything serious or I lose interest). What arethe best tips you can give to better my chances of breaking a cycle that I'm already aware of?

Signed, Breaking Bad Habits

Dear Breaking Bad Habits,

Awareness is an important first step toward change. For instance, if I find myself involved with alcoholic men over and over, I can't break free from that dysfunctional relationship pattern until I'm aware of how I've been affected as an adult by my father's drinking in childhood.

Awareness by itself isn't enough, however, to create change. I may be aware that I have to lose fifteen pounds, quit smoking or meditate every day, but that's not good enough to actually lose the weight, to be smoke free, or peaceful. In order to lose fifteen pounds, stop smoking or feel relaxed, I have to put a great deal of effort into making it happen. I have to take new action - exercise, quit smoking, sit (meditate). This is where most people fall down. Awareness without taking right action is like wishful thinking.

More people don't change because it's hard. It requires sacrifice. It also leads us into new, unfamiliar territory, which may feel strange and scary. But you can do it. Being a gay man in a heterosexist culture, you've already proven you're resilient. Like a gay G.I. Billy Doll, you have the courage it takes.

So, my take home tip is - in order to change something you're already aware of, you have to put in the effort to step outside your comfort zone, make new choices, and actually do things differently this time. Also, building a support network is a vital part of initiating and maintaining this process.

Dear Angelo,

Can hyper-sexuality be a manifestation of low self-esteem?

Signed, Am I Sexually Compulsive?

Dear Sexual Compulsive,

Yes. Sex can make us feel powerful, serving as an antidote to an underlying sense of inferiority, shame and low-self-esteem that can come from internalized homophobia.

While being careful not to pathologize sex and fall prey to conservative views that are so often used to vilify and shame gay men, it's important to recognize the difference between sexuality from a high sex drive and sexuality from low self-esteem.

Sexual expression is natural, healthy and affirming. And different people have different sex drives. But, when your need and preoccupation with sex interferes with your normal daily living and relationships, it's a problem. Other signs of a potential problem are attempts to control, reduce, or hide the behavior.

Sex can be used like a drug. For instance, I may feel compelled to have sex in order to feel pleasure, putting a "Band-Aid" on painful emotions I don't like to feel - such as anxiety, sadness, or emptiness. Sex temporarily fills the void, but the fix doesn't last long. So the impulse to repeat sexual behavior consistently re-emerges where one feels compelled to satisfy the urge over and over.

If you think you may suffer from sexual compulsivity, join a gay affirmative Twelve Step group such as Sexual Compulsives Anonymous and seek professional help for relief. You need support to feel your feelings. It's avoiding them that drives the compulsion.

Coming March 2008, Angelo Pezzote's new book:

Straight Acting - Gay Men, Masculinity and Finding True Love

Email ask@askangelo.com