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the gay man's therapist
ask
angelo
angelo
pezzote
MA, NCC, LMHC
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Order
Angelo's new book,
Straight Acting — Gay Men, Masculinity, and Finding True Love >
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Using Erotica
Dear Angelo,
Throughout life I've been taught that erotic behavior is wrong. I'm not
so much interested in pornography as I am in erotica, such as still
photography and sensual art films of beautiful men. I believe it
empowers me individually and my partner too when we make love. Any
thoughts on this, Angelo?
Signed, Erotica
Dear
Erotica,
We absorb
enough shame as gay men than to take on this dinosaur of a conservative
Victorian sexual attitude. What gay man needs more oppressive religious
based prohibitions of anything pleasurable in his so called "unnatural"
sex life? While that isn't permission to go on a selfish hedonistic
frenzy, let me ask you three simple questions: Is everyone involved an
adult (including the models)? Is the behavior mutually consensual? Is
anyone being hurt? If the answers are "yes," "yes" and "no," then go for
it.
Using fantasy with your partner
to enhance your sex life is healthy. Fantasy is unhealthy when you use it
to escape intimacy, when it's out of your control and when it has negative
consequences in your life.
All The Best, Angelo.
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Secrets To An Open Relationship
Dear Angelo,
My
boyfriend and I are talking about opening our relationship. We have
been together for 4 years. We have not had any sex together in 2 years.
He thinks by opening the relationship, we will be drawn together. I
think it could work. We both feel that the closer a partner is the
farther we push that person away, sexually. We both feel that if we
take the pressure off each other to be the only object for that sexual
release, it will allow us to come closer. What do you think?
Signed, Sexual Experiment
Dear
Sexual Experiment,
This can be a complex choice that can have
profound and irreversible consequences on your relationship. So I'm glad
you're reaching out for advice and talking about it openly, honestly and
clearly with your boyfriend. In my experience of working almost
exclusively with gay men, successful open relationships happen when:
1. Both
partners equally agree that non-monogamy is wanted;
2. The open
relationship is built upon an already healthy, solid, intimate foundation
where each partner is devoted to and emotionally committed to the other as
a primary partner;
3. The open
relationship complements an already healthy and happy sex life between the
couple, rather than spicing up a lack of sex together;
4. The couple ensures the
right balance of independence while maintaining their closeness;
5. Each partner continues
to be present with and to romance, love and nurture the other;
6. The couple develops
clear rules - the dos and don'ts - around the behavior that includes
limits on spending time and money on others.
In light of the fact that you wrote,
"we both feel that the closer a partner is, the farther we push that
person away, sexually", I don't think opening your relationship is the
answer. Instead, I suggest you do the opposite and work at building more
intimacy within your relationship. I find that a lack of sex between two
men who are in love with each other is often the result of internalized
homophobia playing out between them - it's the intersection of feeling the
shame around being gay, the taboo of emotional closeness with another man
and the fear of intimacy. Couples therapy with a gay affirming therapist
may be a better solution.
All The Best, Angelo.
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Coming March 2008, Angelo Pezzote's new book:
Straight Acting - Gay Men, Masculinity and Finding True Love
Angelo Pezzote, M.A., N.C.C., L.M.H.C.
Do you have a question for Angelo to address in his column?
Email ask@askangelo.com
Would you appreciate a safe, supportive environment to talk about personal concerns? Get useful tools from a specialist who understands. Podcasts, Tele-seminars, Advice On Demand, Workshops, Groups and Private Practice Available. Manhattan, NY Office Tel: (917) 673-5003.
© Angelo Pezzote, M.A., N.C.C., L.M.H.C., All Rights Reserved.
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