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the gay man's therapist
ask
angelo
angelo
pezzote
MA, NCC, LMHC
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Order
Angelo's new book,
Straight Acting — Gay Men, Masculinity, and Finding True Love >
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Money For Love
Dear Angelo,
I loaned someone money for rent over the internet. I have never met this
person, but I trust him. Do you think this was a bad choice?
Signed, Loan Shark
Dear
Loan Shark,
I wonder
if you're a lonely shark instead. You have a kind generous heart and that
is good. Don't ever lose that. But you must choose the persons you give to
wisely. My concern is that your goodness may get taken advantage of
easily.
Sometimes you may have a
tendency to use money to buy people's affection. You may use money as a
tool to get people to like you. But beware of this pattern. Seek to have
people in your life who are there because they wanna be - because they
like your person and your company, not because they can get something from
you.
All The Best, Angelo.
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Got To Be Straight
Dear Angelo,
Do you think I should go to a straight
conversion therapist?
Signed, Unhappy Being Gay
Dear
Unhappy Being Gay,
Conversion therapy is damaging to gay persons and I am against it.
The
reason some gay persons seek such treatment to be straight in the first
place, is not because they actually want to change who they are. Some gay
persons seek such extreme treatment only when the self-loathing that goes
along with being gay in our gay unfriendly culture has gotten to an
unbearable level. Shameful self-loathing is not intrinsic to being a gay
person. It comes from the lifelong gay stigma or society's continuous
hostile discrimination of GLBT persons. Prejudiced treatment from birth to
death leaves gay persons with damaged self-esteem. To name just a few
discriminatory esteem killers: we can't get our love affirmed by getting
married, serve openly in the military, visit our partners in the hospital,
or readily show our love in public. We have trouble adopting, being
allowed to be near children or becoming priests. Many of us can get fired
from work and were rejected from our beloved families, friends,
coworkers and religious communities. The message we get is "I'm not
normal. I'm sick, bad and wrong for being who I am." We're ousted from the
mainstream.
The shame
and pain that such rejection brings, causes some gay persons to seek such
straight conversion practitioners to be accepted and belong - to fit in
and have a chance to feel normal and loved - like anyone else. They do not
actually wish to change a core part of themselves - their sexual identity.
This is who they are. Gay persons overwhelmingly say that being gay is not
a choice or a question of morality. Scientific research is pointing to a
biological cause. No one wants to change the essence of who they are. What
gay persons really want to convert or change is all the hardship that
comes with being gay not being gay itself. They want the pain that comes
from being gay to be taken away so they can live a better life. If being
gay was socially acceptable, there would be no such straight conversion
treatment sought.
What gay persons need most is
therapy that affirms being gay and helps them to deal with and change the
toxic social attitudes that gays have had to endure, so they can create a
fulfilling life for themselves as gay persons.
All The Best, Angelo.
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Coming March 2008, Angelo Pezzote's new book:
Straight Acting - Gay Men, Masculinity and Finding True Love
Angelo Pezzote, M.A., N.C.C., L.M.H.C.
Do you have a question for Angelo to address in his column?
Email ask@askangelo.com
Would you appreciate a safe, supportive environment to talk about personal concerns? Get useful tools from a specialist who understands. Podcasts, Tele-seminars, Advice On Demand, Workshops, Groups and Private Practice Available. Manhattan, NY Office Tel: (917) 673-5003.
© Angelo Pezzote, M.A., N.C.C., L.M.H.C., All Rights Reserved.
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