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the gay man's therapist
ask
angelo
angelo
pezzote
MA, NCC, LMHC
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Order
Angelo's new book,
Straight Acting — Gay Men, Masculinity, and Finding True Love >
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Straight Guy With Gay Fantasies
Dear Angelo,
I
have browsed through your awesome website (www.askangelo.com)
and thought I would share some of my thoughts and curiosities. I have been
heterosexual all my life and find women very attractive. I have a
girlfriend. But I do get turned on a lot thinking about sex with another
man. The strange part is, I get turned on thinking about certain acts,
whether it be oral, or getting topped, because it's something different
and erotic. But at the same time, I don't find men attractive the way I
find women attractive. Yet, I get extremely turned on thinking of various
sexual activity when masturbating to thoughts about a guy. Does this sound
weird to you? I definitely would like to try to experience sex with a
masculine top, but don't know if I have the nerve.
Signed, Straight Guy With Gay Fantasies
Dear
Straight Guy With Gay Fantasies,
First
off, I don't think you should try anything without talking to your
girlfriend first. Fantasies are one thing, they don't hurt anyone. But a
secret real life encounter can really hurt our partner if it's done behind
their back.
Having
same sex fantasies doesn't mean you're gay. Fantasy is normal, especially
while masturbating. Kinsey published Sexual Behavior In The Human Male
in 1948. Even in conservative times, Kinsey found that many men he
surveyed admitted to having a same sex experience. Almost half said they
experimented with another male at least once in their lifetime, and over a
third said they had reached orgasm with another guy by age 45. Same sex
behavior is natural for both humans and animals. Fruit flies, sheep,
flamingos, apes and other species have "gay" members too.
Both
Freud and Kinsey said that male sexuality is fluid. Men are not simply gay
or straight. Same sex behavior is common. It's more having a gay identity
that's so taboo. In many cultures, same sex encounters are not unusual for
straight men who are the tops, active or insertive partners. It's only the
bottom, passive or sucker that's viewed as being gay.
A gay
identity is forged when you are predominately attracted to the same sex
AND when you feel that you want to romantically love and share your life
with a member of the same sex. It's also political. Being gay is a mind,
body and spiritual orientation, not just a sexual one.
Don't be afraid of your
fantasies. I encourage you to explore them in a self-accepting, open and
honest way.
All The Best, Angelo.
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A Real Man's Gay Pride
Dear Angelo,
The mainstream media always uses pictures of the most flaming queens at
gay pride. This ends up giving us a bad image. Why don't the queens just
realize this and act normal? They're setting us back?
Signed, Real Man
Dear
Real Man,
Actually,
the flaming queens are the real heroes of our community and they should be
honored. Gay liberation is what gay pride is all about. It was the queens
that fought back in 1969 at Stonewall, a New York bar that was the
birthplace of the modern gay rights movement. We owe them gratitude for
the freedoms we have today.
I think
these men are able to be who they are without any pretense. They can do
something many guys can't. They can toss the mask of the real man in order
to be their true selves. This self-acceptance takes tremendous courage and
calls for our admiration. They suffer a great deal of unnecessary
discrimination from society and their own kind for crossing gender lines.
Instead, we need to learn from these men. We can let our hair down more.
We can come out and stop performing the straight acting routine in our dog
and pony show of masculinity. This doesn't mean you have to be effeminate
if you're not, but it means you can be more of who you are without
stamping out your gayness, and without discriminating against those who
are effeminate. You can get more information on gay men and masculinity at
my website (www.askangelo.com)
and in my upcoming book.
Having
said this, you do have a point in that the media does not fairly represent
the diversity of the gay community. The Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against
Defamation ( GLAAD at
www.glaad.org ) does good work to ensure fair representation of our
community. You may consider volunteering your passion to this issue.
All The Best, Angelo.
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Coming March 2008, Angelo Pezzote's new book:
Straight Acting - Gay Men, Masculinity and Finding True Love
Angelo Pezzote, M.A., N.C.C., L.M.H.C.
Do you have a question for Angelo to address in his column?
Email ask@askangelo.com
Would you appreciate a safe, supportive environment to talk about personal concerns? Get useful tools from a specialist who understands. Podcasts, Tele-seminars, Advice On Demand, Workshops, Groups and Private Practice Available. Manhattan, NY Office Tel: (917) 673-5003.
© Angelo Pezzote, M.A., N.C.C., L.M.H.C., All Rights Reserved.
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