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the gay man's therapist
ask
angelo
angelo
pezzote
MA, NCC, LMHC
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Order
Angelo's new book,
Straight Acting — Gay Men, Masculinity, and Finding True Love >
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A Straight Guy Swings Gay
Dear Angelo,
I've been with the same woman for seven years. I've also been secretly fantasizing with gay porn for years, but lately I'm dying to try something with a guy for real. What's happening to me?
Signed,
Switch Hitter
Dear
Switch Hitter,
Try not to worry. Human sexuality is
naturally fluid. Having sexual fantasies of all sorts is normal. So having a gay fantasy isn't the same as having a gay identity. You can be straight and still have thoughts about gay sex. Thoughts are harmless because they're just that - thoughts! People have all kinds of thoughts they never act on.
But you're interested in exploring sex with a man, not just thinking about it. So maybe you're bisexual or gay. But straight, "bi" and gay are just convenient labels. People aren't exclusively all gay or straight. A person can be anything in between. Humans, like many animals, have a range of sexual potential. So think outside the box and give yourself permission to discover more about who and what you are.
I imagine you want to be sure before you broach the subject with your woman and risk ruining things. But for her sake, don't "explore" or cheat behind her back. Don't be afraid to tell her the truth up front. Respect her and your relationship. Give her a choice in this. Then together you can decide how to best handle it.
Whatever you do, practice safe sex.
All The Best, Angelo.
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Firmer Erections
Dear Angelo,
I sometimes lose my erection when I'm with someone. What can I do? Please help!
Signed, Left Limp
Dear
Left Limp,
Have no shame! You are not alone. Almost all men have experienced this at one time or another. Here are some suggestions.
Anxiety is the number one erection killer. Free yourself from any sexual pressure. Recognize that sex isn't about a stellar performance. It's about a shared experience. Focusing your attention on your partner can also help. Ask him what he wants and concentrate on pleasing him. This can help you move outside of yourself, decrease self-consciousness and calm your nerves.
Know that erections naturally come and go. It will come back again. Losing your erection does not mean you are less of a man. I'll repeat. Losing your erection doesn't mean you're less of a man. Delete manly expectations, so no one feels the pressure to be hard 24/7. Give yourself and your partner permission to lose an erection during sex. Loss of an erection doesn't have to mark the end of the sexual experience. Pause a moment to talk with your partner about what's happening. Get it out in the open. This lessens it's power and can make all the difference.
Regular exercise, weight loss and a healthy diet improve erections. Smoking, alcohol and recreational drugs lower anxiety, but they also make it more difficult to get and keep an erection.
Investigate and rule out physical causes. Talk to your MD about medication like Viagra, Levitra, Cialis or Androgel if needed.
Be gentle with yourself. Have compassion for yourself if this happens to you. Your partner might need reassuring that you're attracted to him. Have compassion for your partner if this happens to them. Realize it doesn't mean you're unattractive or that they're
not attracted to you. Sex is a powerful experience that can expose our vulnerabilities. Issues like insecurities, intimacy fears, and childhood abuse can make sex threatening for many. A shriveled penis might be how the unconscious mind is keeping you "safe" with that hot guy - even your beloved.
Unresolved relationship problems can also add to the mix for couples. So couples counseling can be another wise option.
All The Best, Angelo.
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Coming March 2008, Angelo Pezzote's new book:
Straight Acting - Gay Men, Masculinity and Finding True Love
Angelo Pezzote, M.A., N.C.C., L.M.H.C.
Do you have a question for Angelo to address in his column?
Email ask@askangelo.com
Would you appreciate a safe, supportive environment to talk about personal concerns? Get useful tools from a specialist who understands. Podcasts, Tele-seminars, Advice On Demand, Workshops, Groups and Private Practice Available. Manhattan, NY Office Tel: (917) 673-5003.
© Angelo Pezzote, M.A., N.C.C., L.M.H.C., All Rights Reserved.
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