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Sizing Up Your Penis

Dear Angelo,

I'm concerned about the size of my penis. I feel inadequate since gay men seem so focused on big penises. How do most guys really measure up?

Signed, Does Size Matter?

Dear Does Size Matter,

The Freudians are infamous for their sexual interpretations. We're all familiar with their concept that images can be symbols that, once decoded, can trace back to early childhood "issues." Through analysis, we may discover that the specific "fetishes" that put us over the edge sexually, can reveal a lot about us.

A large penis may be desirable because it symbolizes manliness and power. Since gay men aren't considered "real men" in society, many gay men grow to develop deep shame and inadequacy about their manhood. Unconsciously, they use penis size as a compensation for what masculinity they feel they lack inside.

On the other hand, as Freud himself said, "sometimes a cigar is just a cigar." For whatever reasons, there are men who like big penises. But there are also men who prefer small penises. To them big is not better. There are others who don’t care either way. “It’s icing on the cake,” they might say.

It’s important to keep realistic expectations. I often wonder where gay men get their rulers. Is everyone 8 x 6? I understand how men like to add a bit on, but it can get ridiculous. The porn industry certainly uses some dream ruler like 5 real inches=8, 6=9, 7=10, 8=11 - which then becomes some false benchmark. Camera tricks, airbrushing, and computer graphics help the fantasy along.

So here’s the truth about gay men and penis size. The correct way to measure a penis is along the top from the base to the tip. Using Dr. Kinsey's research, the average human penis was reported to be about 6 inches. Most men (about 90%) reported they measured between 5.0 and 7.0 inches. Many men, 78%, reported they fell short of 6.5 inches. A full 75% of men said they measured between 5.0 and 6.5 inches. Slightly over half of men, 54%, reported 6 inches or less. Keep in mind that the guys self measured. It’s estimated that the actual length is at least a half inch less. Still, just 7.5% of men actually said they measured over 7 inches. They must have been the gay ones. Seriously though, homosexual men overall did report larger penises than heterosexuals. This may be a "side effect" of the prenatal hormones that determine sexual orientation, or maybe, as mentioned, we just like to exaggerate to inflate our sense of manhood.

I’ve read a couple of more recent studies where someone else did the measuring. One study concluded the average penis to be 5.1inches. So who knows for sure what it really is.

In any event, size is not a measure of manhood. Working with some transmen, I know that very masculine men can have micro-penises or no penis at all. And working with some transwomen, I know that very feminine women can have huge penises. Size doesn't make the man.

So, what’s your preference?

All The Best, Angelo.

How Often Do Most People Shag?

Dear Angelo,

I am in a relationship of 30 years. We still have sex on the waterbed we got when we first got together in the late 1970's. We do it about once every other month . How often should we be having sex at this point?

Signed, The Dead Sea

Dear The Dead Sea,

While I was not able to find any specific studies about how often gay men or gay couples have sex, I did find that Dr. Kinsey found that both men and women have sex an average of 2.8 times week in their twenties, 2.2 times a week in their thirties and 1 time a week in their fifties. And according to the 1992 Sex in America survey of unmarried co-habitating couples, 15% of married men and women have sex 4 or more times a week, 40% a few times a week, 36% a few times per month. The numbers for gay couples may be different.

I want to caution you about measuring yourself against this data. Everyone has different sexual needs and desires. So every couple has too. There is a wide range of sexual activity among couples. The amount of times you're having sex with your partner is right for the two of you - no matter what everyone else is doing. The joy and fulfillment of your sex life as a couple isn't tied to how many times you have sex. Is a healthy gay couple one that has sex daily? Twice a week? Once a month? Once a year? Is monogamy the way to go for gay couples? Open relationships? Is just staying single better?

It's different strokes for different folks. The joy and fulfillment of your sex life as a couple is more likely about quality than quantity.

Having said all that, it is true that decreasing sex could also point to deeper relational problems in the couple. I find that after a certain point, internalized homophobia, masculinity issues and fear of intimacy can all collide to create gay dead bed for gay couples.

Whatever the case may be, embrace what is difficult. Talk with your partner about your feelings and negotiate issues around sex. Move toward one another. Lean on one another. If you can't work it out yourselves, seek the aid of a couple's therapist. Counseling can help a relationship thrive.

All The Best, Angelo.

Coming March 2008, Angelo Pezzote's new book:

Straight Acting - Gay Men, Masculinity and Finding True Love

Angelo Pezzote, M.A., N.C.C., L.M.H.C.

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