Dear Angelo,

I've had a black cloud following me all my life. I don't know how to shake it. I'm afraid I've lost my spark for life. Got any advice?

Signed, Rainy Day

Dear Rainy Day,

Given the vicissitudes of life, it's easy to ask "why me?" It's also easy to feel like "poor me." And yet again easy to fall into a victim stance. We may sink into stinking thinking, finding ourselves spiraling down, falling into a bottomless black hole of rage, helplessness, hopelessness, and despair. But a subtle shift in our thinking can pull us out of the mud and get us going again.

When facing a challenge, ask not "why me?" Ask "what now?" Given this obstacle in your life, what is life asking of you? What quality is being called forth in you? What can you learn from this circumstance? When we're in pain it's not effortless to load our backpacks and go off to school. But asking how we can grow, overcome, and triumph -- how we can find meaning in our suffering (Dr. Viktor Frankl's Man's Search For Meaning) -- empowers us toward power, hope, movement, and solutions -- even joy.

You may also consider talking to a gay affirmative professional counselor and a psychiatrist about depression. We don't treat ourselves when we get sick. We go to a doctor. Don't try to do it yourself with emotional wounds either. It takes a strong man, not a weak one, to reach out and ask for the help.

Dear Angelo,

My boyfriend drinks and does drugs more than I'm comfortable with. I've become the watchdog that never sleeps. It's exhausting and draining, plus it gets me resentful. I really want to save this relationship but I don't know how.

Signed, Watchdog

Dear Watchdog,

You have a good heart. But the first thing is to recognize that you're powerless over your boyfriend's drinking and drug use. That means you can't control his behavior or change him. He has to want to do this himself. Realize that you can't make this relationship into the one you want. You have to accept it as the relationship it is.

While you can strongly recommend recovery and offer your unwavering support, release care-taking tendencies. They often enable people, not help them. Stop taking your boyfriend's inventory and shift the focus from him to you. After all, you can only clean up your side of the street. Take responsibility for yourself by employing self-care, engaging in clear communication, and setting well-defined boundaries with firm consequences. For instance -- "I love you. I also can't be around you when you're using. So call me tomorrow when you're sober, and we can get together then."

Within the context of the relationship, take care of yourself while you release or let go of your boyfriend to live his life as he chooses. Accept him as he is, or leave him. You may consider exploring "care taker" support groups that help people who love "people with problems" like ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics), Al-Anon, or CODA (Co-Dependents Anonymous).

Coming March 2008, Angelo Pezzote's new book:

Straight Acting - Gay Men, Masculinity and Finding True Love

Email ask@askangelo.com