Dear Angelo,

Your book Straight Acting tells me what should have been told to me a long time ago, and what I've been trying to put into words for years. You don't even know what that means to me. Thank you for this book. I was wondering what to do with this dilemma that's messed with me for a long time. I have an Italian friend whose younger than me that I met two years ago. My first impression of him was that he may be gay. Then he started flirting with me and dropping serious hints that he was into me. But then he started having a serious relationship with a girl, so I thought that it was just me creating something in my head. So I just played it off as if he was the type of "straight" guy that has a lot of "gay" behaviors and flirts with guys to boost his own ego. I wondered if he knew that he was driving me crazy and making me love sick for him. What kind of guy sang in a chorus, has a favorite musical, is very obsessed with his appearance, flirts with guys and isn't gay? Moreover, what kind of guy gets off on leading other guys on, hurting them?

Signed, Bromancers

Dear Bromancers,

This is a tough corner to find yourself in. I know because I've visited it many times myself. The best advice I can give you is not to focus on all that could be. Instead, focus on one thing - what is. All the rest is fantasy. Make it real. Come right out and ask him what his sexual orientation is. No matter what you think, or what may even be true, you have to go by how he self-identifies and his concrete actions. It's about where he's at and how much he reveals to you. Do his charming words translate into real action or unfulfilled promises?

While he could be an ego maniac, he's probably just confused about his own sexuality, rather than intentionally hurting you. Despite social progress, homonegativity is still quite prevalent, and coming out is still hard for many. He may need to hear it's good to be gay. He may need an understanding "sister" to help him come out. He may need more time before he's ready. But meanwhile unrequited love sucks big time. And hurts a lot! It's not fair to you. So if he isn't able to show up for you at this time, then I say move ahead girlfriend. You've got a life to live. You can wait around all day at the bus stop.

Trust yourself and just "lay it on the line." Tell him what you think and how you feel. Follow your instincts and get it all out in the open. A wise adage says that we're only as sick as our secrets. If he is gay and has the hots for you, then maybe this discussion will help him come out and you can be friends or date. If not, maybe he'll recognize how his behavior can effect someone else and take his own inventory. Then you'll be free to grieve him, and find the prince who's waiting for you. Either way, you'll both grow toward more self-love by talking honestly about the situation.

Dear Angelo,

I'm seventeen and came out two years ago. It has been a blessing and a curse at the same time. A few friends have approached me saying that they have felt some same sex urges and don't know what to do. Another friend has told me that he is in fact gay, but he constantly changes his mind saying "I'm not gay, I'm just curious." But then again a few days later he tells me more about how hot some guy at school is, or other gay related things. I wish I could help them realize it's okay to be gay. I know that he's living in denial and I know it's hurting him. What can I do to help him?

Signed, A Helping Hand

Dear A Helping Hand,

The best thing you can do is be a shining example of self-love for your peers.

Coming out is not an event. It's a lifelong process of decreasing learned shame and increasing authentic self-acceptance. We can't underestimate the gravity of this challenge as the practice of bare-backing and rates of new HIV infection rise among gay youth, as well as an alarmingly high incidence of alcohol and drug abuse, depression and suicide. Obviously shame and low esteem, that come from internalized homonegativity and drive these self-destructive behaviors, are still an issue. All is not yet well in paradise. While I recognize and appreciate progress, being gay is still hard.

I was asked in a recent interview for GayWired regarding my book Straight Acting if I thought the issue of straight-acting is increasingly generational in the sense that a new generation is growing up with a vast range of freedoms that never existed before, thus they don’t have the same struggle, being very comfortable in their sexuality from a very young age. I said that I think there's basically two camps of the young generation. One that fully embraces who they are, censoring nothing about themselves, and wanting to be recognized and treated just like anyone else - which represents progress. However, other gay youth ditch the gay label, wanting to be seen as "normal" from a place of shame. So whether it's progressive, or just an extension of the closet - the closet of masculinity, depends on where the youth is coming from - a place of esteem or a place of shame.

PFLAG (Parents, Family and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) is a terrific resource to help us be out and proud. Tell your friends about PFLAG. You might also mention Ask Angelo. Moreover, do four things: remain steadfastly gay affirmative yourself, point your friends in the right direction, respect the space they need to develop positive esteem about it, and let them know that you're there for them.

Coming March 2008, Angelo Pezzote's new book:

Straight Acting - Gay Men, Masculinity and Finding True Love

Email ask@askangelo.com