Dear Angelo,

My partner and I are having sexual problems. He tries, but he’s just not as interested in sex as he used to be. There’s a sixteen year age difference between us. I know that’s part of the problem, but I’m getting tired of being frustrated all the time. I love my partner and I don’t want to lose him, but his efforts to solve the problem aren’t helping.

I’d like to propose that we go to an open relationship so that I’ll be less frustrated, and he’ll feel less pressured. But, every time we discuss the topic, he gets very emotional and worries I’ll find somebody else. I know opening up a relationship does comes with some risks, but I really feel it’s the only way we can stay together and resolve the differences in our libidos. How can I propose this to him without making him feel inadequate, and reassure him that even if I have sex with someone else it doesn’t mean that I’ll love him any less?

Signed, Tired of Whacking In The Shower

Dear Tired of Whacking In The Shower,

I agree that this is an issue that needs to be handled sensitively. I think you need to thoroughly explain to him what you think the difference is between sex and love.

In Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love, Dr. Fisher’s groundbreaking research proposes that lust, romance, and commitment are three distinct human drives that are hardwired in our brains. These powerful urges are as potent as hunger and each directs our behavior for its own purpose. Lust energizes us to get out and "sample" a variety of mates. Romantic love allows us to choose "the best" of those mates to focus and conserve our energy to produce offspring.

Commitment allows us to feel the emotional attachment strong enough and long enough with that mate to ensure that we stick around to help "the family" survive. So feelings of lust, romance, and commitment may be separate. This means we all have the ability to lust after someone in a video we are watching, while we are having a romantic affair with someone else at the office, while we are in a committed, long-term loving partnership with yet someone else we're devoted to at home. We may each have the potential to "love" three different people, in these three different ways, all at the same time!

Whatever the outcome, this issue has to be talked about openly, honestly, and clearly. Consider my Eight Quick Suggestions For An Open Relationship. It’s best if the two of you:

1.) Equally agree that non-monogamy is wanted. If one person wants it and one doesn’t, it won’t work well.

2.) Use an open relationship to build upon an already healthy relationship, not salvage it. So many couples make the mistake of opening up their relationship in an attempt to fix it. This doesn’t work. Your relationship has to be healthy and strong enough to sustain the issues that the freedom of an open relationship can test, like security, trust, and devotion. Successful couples who open up their relationship have devotion. Their partners as their primary emotional commitment. They have a solid emotional foundation, making each other number one. There’s usually a clear separation between love and sex, as well as a flat out prohibition of outside romance.

3.) "Play" in order to complement an already good enough sex life between you, not fix it. So many couples also make the mistake of opening up their relationship in an attempt to save their sex life. This doesn’t work either. Your sex life has to be healthy and strong enough to handle adding other men into the mix. Other guys should complement, supplement, or accent your sex life as a couple, not replace it.

4.) Avoid possessiveness by creating the right balance of independence and together time.

5.) Continue to commit to, be present with, romance, nourish, and nurture each other.

6.) Mutually develop very clear ground rules about "playing," and respect and honor them honestly.

7.) Set boundaries around "tricks" to avoid jealousy, especially around time and money.

8.) Be considerate of each other, taking your partner's feelings into account.

You can get more on dating and relationships in my new book Straight Acting — Gay Men, Masculinity, and Finding True Love and at askangelo.com — The 1st Place To Come For Gay Advice.

Dear Angelo,

I lost my partner of sixteen years and I desperately need some advice. I've tried to move on, but I'm still finding it so hard. It was a freak accident. So everybody's freaked out, like it's not happening. If you have any advice that would help me... Write me please.

Signed, Grief Stricken

Dear Grief Stricken,

The sudden loss of someone you love through death, or even a breakup, is devastating. It's shocking and difficult to accept. It may be one of the hardest things we have to deal with. I don't know if you’ll ever really get over it per se. I mean you may not "believe it" or be "OK with it" for a long while. It wasn't something you expected, chose or wanted. Loving someone romantically involves our deepest experience of oneness. When we are in love, we are as close as we can be physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually to anyone. Bereavement is a terribly painful feeling — excruciating; a gut wrenching unbearable pain. It can be emotionally annihilating like an atomic bomb.

At first, a bit of denial is expected. You may ask, "how can this be?" It's such a hard thing to wrap your head around. You may cling to the hope that it's not true, that there's been some terrible mistake. You may want to believe anything but the horrible truth. And this is the challenge. Not to accept it per se as in "it's fine," but to accept that it is in fact so - it is happening.

As reality sets in, you can be unbearably grief stricken - in some case barely able to work or accomplish day to day stuff. Even getting out of bed can seem like it's too much. Grief is a normal reaction to loss. Some things you can expect are: shock, numbness, emptiness, sleeplessness, nausea, headache, diarrhea, tight chest or shortness of breath. Also disorientation, obsessing, crying, and sluggishness. You may not even feel like eating.

Mourning is a very physical reaction. Remember to eat, hydrate, and force yourself to move. Take care of yourself. Proper nourishment will give you the strength to move your body, which helps to work things out emotionally. Avoid alcohol and drugs to sooth the pain. They actually make things worse. Healthy distraction in doses can be good so you’re not overwhelmed, but don't busy so much as to push down feeling your loss.

Grieving is an active process that you have to move towards. Embrace it. Blocking it only makes it worse. It's by allowing yourself to wail in despair, to scream in rage, to emotionally "fall apart," that you heal. It's normal to experience a range of emotions that can change every minute. You're not going crazy. Be gentle with yourself. Lean into the pain, letting it out. Passing resistance and inviting in deep agonizing pain will take a strong effort on your part. Feeling is healing. The only way out is through. We live in a hurry up culture that doesn't like to deal with death. You must give yourself permission to mourn adequately. Take your time. The intense pain will not last forever even though it might seem like it will. Yes, you may always carry the loss with you to some degree. But the pain will indeed lessen as your relationship to it changes over time and you integrate the experience, becoming part of you.

Extreme loneliness and depression can set in. If so, don't hesitate to get professional support. Contact your doctor, spiritual leader, or counselor. It's also a good idea to call on close friends and family who can be there and care for you. You will want to isolate, but don't go it alone. Make plans to reach out and be with others every day throughout this hard time. Have someone nurturing stay with you for awhile if possible. Allow others to give you comfort. Some of the best medicine can be being listened to and held while you cry. Soothing physical contact like hugs and massage help. Although your best ally may be time itself.

Coming March 2008, Angelo Pezzote's new book:

Straight Acting - Gay Men, Masculinity and Finding True Love

Email ask@askangelo.com